Happy Christmas.

When I was a kid I am sure Christmas lasted longer than it does now! The two festive days are over in a flash and all the preparation that goes into it makes it feel as if just when you are almost unwound and enjoying it, that's it! its over. My family and I went to midnight mass on Christmas eve, probably the only time we are able to drag Beth into church with out a fight! My husband actually had work to do in the service Christmas morning so we all went to church again! Aren't we good. Once home again we unwrapped our presents, even the dog had one and got quite into the whole Christmas wrapping paper thing! We had a traditional Christmas lunch of turkey with all the trimmings, then in the afternoon we all went down to the stables to put the horses in. The blonde bird had put them out earlier and she had mucked out made up feeds, filled up the water buckets and hage nets. Back at home we all played games watched Christmas films and ate and drank too much. It was in fact the first Christmas for years that we have all spent the whole day together, not working or going to see friends (Beth). Although my husband was working boxing day until 5.30pm and Beth went out, we were all together in the evening with my Mum, my brother his wife and two children and not forgetting Mums dog Boo. More silly games food and drink. We really did have a lovely Christmas this year.... HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE....AND BEST WISHES FOR A BRIGHT NEW YEAR.

Let it snow

For the past three days we have had snow here, in fact I think pretty much the whole of the south of England has had it. The dog loves running in the snow, when I first took her out she just ran for ages without wanting me to throw a ball for her, when we got back to the car though she had dozens of icicles dangling from her tummy and huge clumps of snow round her feet. The horses kicked up their heels when they were first put out into it, but now they are eager to get back into their nice warm stables with their hard feed and hage. Tonight I had a phone call telling me that the temperatures may drop to -9 C tonight and would I double rug Red. Poor Red isn't very well at all, she has lumps all over her and is itchy, she rolls and scratches and gets herself into a bit of a tizzy. We are waiting for the vet to ring with the test results so that we know exactly what is wrong. She has quite a cocktail of powders and tablets to take twice a day now, and she is so dubious about anything being put in her feed. Last night it was my husbands works Christmas dinner, all but one of the watch turned up, it was a really good evening. Good food, plenty of red wine and lots of dancing, (not by my husband though, he didn't get on the dance floor at all!). There were a couple of other groups from the fire service there and their tables were quite close to ours making it quite rowdy at times! I even bumped into the one with the scary eyes, from Aikido who was there with his other half, who was on one of the other fire service tables.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS

I have to post this quickly but I will expand on it later.
I had my Gynae/Oncology appointment yesterday, the specialist was awesome...
I like her even more because she told me I don't have cancer, she re scanned me and said she could see a lot going on but that it was most definitely not cancer. She was less than impressed with the way the GP had dealt with the situation and told my husband and I she would be having words with them.
I can't begin to explain how I feel now, or even how I felt for the last two weeks!
When I was told nothing would ever be the same again, it was probably the truest thing ever said to me. Nothing will ever be the same, even though I don't have cancer.
This will hopefully be the last post with that label....

Receptionists!!

I don't know if Doctors receptionists have to have a qualification in unhelpfulness but at our surgery they would pass with flying colours!
The other day I blogged about trying to get an appointment to see a doctor, and being told I would have to call the practice nurse the following morning, I have since had two more dealings with the receptionists there, the first was the following day when I duly rang for an appointment with the nurse, when she asked why and I told her she told me "Oh no you need to see a doctor for that" Give me strength.... she did however give me an appointment but I did have to then wait a few days! Having been in for this appointment the doctor asked me to make an appointment to see either him or my normal doctor in seven to ten days....
Back out at reception they told me that the doctor I had just seen wasn't in until mid January, so I asked for an appointment with my own doctor, she, it seems is fully booked. I leave. whilst I am outside ringing my husband to pick me up one of the receptionists comes out and asks me to come back in and make an appointment with another doctor. I explain that I don't want to see every doctor in the practice thank you.
Once back at home I got a phone call from the surgery, they have managed to find me an appointment with my own doctor on the Wednesday after all!

Saturday

Its only midday, but already I have that uneasy feeling that usually only creeps over me as night time approaches, maybe its because Wednesday is suddenly fast approaching and I am getting more nervous. My husband has taken his blog off the web as he is I think feeling the strain of worry and it is leaving him devoid of things to write. The dog thinks I have forgotten her as we haven't been out today, but later on I am meting up with a friend and her two dogs for a long walk. I haven't seen her for a couple of months so we have lots of catching up to do. My husband has taken litlun shopping and Beth is at work so I am home alone. Not that I can sit around doing nothing as Twiglet needs her wheel cleaned and there is laundry to be done. My husband has promised the girls he will get the Christmas decorations down today so that tomorrow they can decorate the tree and the house, I seem to recall finding decorations in the bathroom last year! ( I don't feel in the slightest Christmassy)
Picture of Twiglet, I wonder what she will make of Christmas lights and tree.

Training

Yesterday I went with my husband to the Royal Army Chaplains Division Museum. We had to Email them first as you visit by appointment only, its a small museum on the training site of the serving Army Chaplains..... I have a feeling my husband wants to become one! (Army ! !, well now that would be an interesting concept, for an ex RM!). When we got home, I did the horses and cooked a roast, odd day to have a roast I know but we have all been doing other things and yesterday was the only day so far this week that we are all in for dinner. Training last night. Training is the bright spots in my otherwise gloomy time, its two hours where I have to concentrate really hard to get the moves right, its fairly physical and most of the people I am with don't know there is anything wrong, (and the ones that do know are concentrating on training too). I think we could do with an extra two training sessions a week. . . OK maybe not but it would be brilliant for my mind! My husband however doesn't have this break, he is back at work today, and I am hoping that the break from me will give him some space, it can't be easy for him either, especially as I keep getting stressy on top of everything else!

Black and White

Last night at training I met the first person who knows that I have OC but treated me just the same as normal. Thank you Obelix, Since finding out people either don't seem to know how to deal with it or go over the top, both of which is not nice. This mornings post brought my hospital appointment, the date and time were no surprise as they had spoken to me on the phone, what was a surprise to me was the shock I felt at seeing the words:- Gynaecological Oncology appointment on a letter addressed to me....... Since receiving the letter the day has gone in a daze, even my husband seems to have been affected by either the letter or my reaction to it. I have no more to say today.

Tick tock tick tock

Today after sorting out the horses and cleaning out the hedgehog, I sat waiting for the post! Hoping that my hospital appointment would arrive and be quick... The post came, but no appointment. After lunch I got a phone call from the hospital to make an appointment, the first one they could offer me was next Wednesday (16 Dec) I know this is only 9 days away, but right now that could be 9 weeks it feels like such a long wait. I rang my line manager who suggested I get a sick note from the doctor as I won't be fit for work with that hanging over me! I rang the doctors surgery and got the most unhelpful "jobs worth" of a receptionist who wouldn't listen to what I was saying and decided in the end that I should see the practice nurse tomorrow. Bloody hell!!! But I can't make an appointment to see her oh no! Not now at least, I have to phone back at 8:30 tomorrow morning. I think she may have shares in BT. Why is everything so difficult? Or maybe its me??
My husband and I are off to see a friend shortly who is the chaplain at the local hospital, then its training tonight... I wonder if I will want to go, and then if once there I will want to be there! Everything seems very upside down at the moment.

Wet and windy

I woke up at 4am this morning, I haven't been sleeping well and when I do sleep I have nightmares. The alarm went off at 7am which was a relief it meant I could get up knowing my husband was awake. Driving down to the stables was awful the car was being blown all over the road, and as for the rain well! It was a job to put the horses out both of them seemed to want to stay in their stables warm and dry. We were suppose to be going to see a friend today, its an hour and a half journey in good weather so with the rain and wind we decided not to go this week but maybe go next instead. I sent a text telling him we wouldn't be going, the reply was almost immediate saying it was just as bad where he was. Fifteen minutes later the wind had dropped and the sun was out! Typical. Litlun and I went to church with my husband, Beth was going to see her boyfriend and stay over then they were off to see Eddie Izzard on Monday night at the O2 arena, she had got me a ticket for my birthday but with all this going on if my appointment comes through for Monday or Tuesday it would have been difficult. I feel so ungrateful but Beth understands and at the moment I am just not in the right frame of mind to be that far from home. Bringing the horses in this evening was quite interesting too they both played up Red who is 24 or 25 years old was bucking and rearing all the way in! We are now sat in front of the television watching the NFL, Texans V Jaguars (9-23 at the moment).
((pic... Sam Greenwood/Getty Images))

living on pause

I am on pause. Everything is moving at ninety miles an hour all around but I am in suspended animation.....
This morning we had a phone call asking if we could have our granddaughter for a few hours as my daughter in law had some things to attend to. Whilst she was on the phone I gave her a rundown of what happened yesterday. She was shocked!
My husband had to take litlun for her grade two singing exam today, and Flower turned up whilst they were out. We made up the Thomas the tank engine tracks and played with that then had some lunch. My sister in law came round with some flowers and had a cuppa and a chat which was nice, as although we live about three miles apart because of our shifts and kids clubs we rarely get to meet up.
After Flower had been collected and Litlun and my Husband had got home, Apparently Litlun did really well and her singing teacher thinks she may have got a pass with distinction, I drove down to do the horses, it was raining I rang Lou, (hands free) and had a good cry.....again (poor Lou) then got on with the job of bringing Red and Mouse in, Lou had mucked out and got the stables ready so all I had to do was mix the feeds and change their rugs.
People don't seem to know what to say to me, I feel like I have been set apart as different and its horrid, I am not cancer, I am still me..... I am still me!

Where is my blue sky?

Yesterday I went to the doctors for a scan, I have been having a few problems and had a scan about 6 weeks ago, this was to be the follow up scan. Its not a pleasant experience but the lady who did it was nice which makes a difference. Last time I went they found fibroids and a few other things, this time however I mentioned I had been having abdo pain low down for months, so she investigated this area further... Last night I had a phone call from the doctors surgery, I needed to go in for an urgent appointment in the morning. This I guessed couldn't be anything good! This morning I went to the doctors, he told me I had Ovarian cancer, and that a fast track (within two weeks) appointment at the local hospital would be made, and as no cancer had shown up on the blood test I had had two months ago, they would like to do another one. I don't know what to think I am confused and disbelieving and angry and can't stop crying...... My blog will now become my journey, it won't be pretty my language no doubt will be..... well Fishwife springs to mind! So if fishwife isn't your thing, best you don't read on.

Today I got up early, met up with my brother and caught the train into London, (there was no point trying to drive into London in the heart of rush hour!) where we met up with some of our cousins and their families for the cremation of my uncle, their father. He actually died last year, but left his body to a London medical college who have released his body back to the family. The service was short, and rather distant. My cousins had managed to chose the music which was to accompany the coffin into the chapel, the music that played us out and the hymn that was sung, or be it just one verse! Despite the somber occasion we all managed a smile as Benny Hills theme tune began to play and Uncles coffin entered. He would have laughed with us. After the service my brother and I caught the train home again. Today was doubly difficult for us as it's Dads 4th anniversary of death, which is why Mum didn't make the journey with us. He and Mum had been on a cruise when he died. I miss him and think of him very often, I wonder what he would think of the things we have all done in the past 4 years. I think he would be upset at the divide that seems to have appeared in the family, as are we and my cousins.... very sad.

Wet wet wet.

I am not referring to the music group, but rather the weather! Yesterday I was at work, and at one point my crew mate and I thought we may have to call out the RN LI (we were nowhere near the sea), the rain came down so hard and fast that we were able to watch the road in front of us flooding! We even had hail! Remarkably we didn't do a single weather (rain, flood, rta) related job! All but one of our jobs were referred through the on call doctors!! grr, and all but one of those had been diagnosed(wrongly) over the phone..... Note to self, try and get on the on call doctors crystal ball reading course would save going out to at least half the jobs! even if the diagnosis was wrong...hey it works for them!! Once home though I settled down to watch the NFL, my team was being screened, yay,.....not so yay, we got trounced 32-3. This morning I went up to the stables to put the girls out, as the blonde bird had done them yesterday whilst I was at work I hadn't realised that the puddle by the gate had turned into a rather large pond! Nor had I realised that my very old wellies had perished.... need I say more? Having sorted them out and changed my socks I took the dog out for a run, or rather a squelch, the fields we walked in were full of puddles and mud, oh and did I mention the rain, for a moment I wished I was back in the ambulance watching the road flood... but only for a moment, the dog brought me back to my senses by laying in the biggest puddle she could find..... Aikido tonight surely that will be dry?

Twiglet

It's not until you look back at photos that you can see the difference in things, I was looking through some photos of Twiglet today and was suddenly aware of how big she had got and also how much paler her spines are now.
In a few weeks time I intend to do the same with photos of me! Oh yes! I have been going to Slimming world (again, after months of "can't be bothered") this time I have added swimming the gym and of course Aikido and walking to the mix, I have lost weight quite fast and intend to keep at it this time and then stay at the weight and size I end up at. No more of this faffing around.

Houdini

For the last few weeks, Mouse has been managing to escape from the paddock, well the whole field was split into three but she just marched through the electric fencing as if it wasn't there! Very annoying. Then the main catch on the gate failed and she escaped out onto the footpath that runs along one side of the field, this was sometime at night because the local vicar was just taking his dogs for their last walk of the day (somewhere around 11pm) and came face to face with her! fortunately she dived into the paddock next to ours and he was able to shut her in!
This understandably has worried me and annoyed a few people, so over the last two days Lou, the Blonde bird and I had decided to get a stronger pulsar for the electric fence, (the other option was to run the fence off the over head power cables, but we couldn't find anyone willing to attach the cable!)((that was a joke no calls to the RSPCA please)).
Once at the shop we realised that the pulsar we had should be doing the job, Lou decided to get a new leisure battery, new electric tape and an voltage tester thingy.
Back at the yard we attached the battery and went along with the meter, well about 10 feet along the tape the current stopped......then there was nothing at all, it was no wonder she was pushing through, the electric fence wasn't electric after all.
Lou you are an absolute star, who else would have got new tape on a whim? We undid the tape on the fence and ran out the new then attached the pulsar again.
Yes, electric pulses right to the far end of the field, OK mouse walk through it now!
We decided that they should come in at night now as we are getting quite a bit of rain, that and the wind they were both looking a little sorry for themselves.
So now they are snug in their stables at night and safely behind electric fencing that works during the day..... and long may it last!

Back to work

My first two shifts back at work were from opposite ends of the spectrum! I was third manning this week as I have been off work for two months! Third manning is when you work with a full crew, I was lucky to be working with two really lovely people for my first shift back, we decided to split the shift into three four hour segments, for the first four hours I was just an observer, I would have helped but we actually didn't have a job! the second four hours I was to be attending, we had a couple of jobs but neither of them were difficult, one we left where she was as she didn't require hospital the other was a fractured neck of femur so we took him in. When my four hours attending were up I drove till the end of the shift, I think we had another job but everyone was saying how quiet the day was... a nice way to come back to work! The second day however was totally different! Again we split the shift three ways, we had cover move after cover move interspersed with the odd job, our first (and only)meal break was at three pm after a two hour resus, after a busy afternoon we then managed to get a late job!! Well, I thought we were being led into a barn! It turned out to be the front room. The rubbish and food and paper and "stuff" was piled from floor to ceiling with just a walkway through to the bedroom and two doors that were shut, they had suffered two house fires but just left the burned walls bare electrical wires, and holes in the ceiling, which led to the roof space as this was a bungalow, the cobwebs and dust were so thick, we were coughing. Our patient was in the bedroom on the bed, I don't want to comment on this room as it makes my skin crawl! Our patient had suffered a CVA (stroke) and we needed to get her into hospital as fast as we could, the problem was our carry chair wouldn't fit through the walkway, in the end we called the fire service who issued us all with masks, as the dust was even worse once they began to move everything. We eventually got our patient out and shipped off to hospital. One hour and twenty minutes past our finish time we arrived back in base to hand over to the night crew. After my first shift back I had to drive straight to aikido, so I was glad not to have had an overtime job then!

Pyramids

After my extremely late night last night you would have thought I would sleep in.... well unfortunately I didn't!
I was up doing laundry, shopping sorting out the animals....
It is just Lit'lun and I at home this weekend, My husband has gone on a residential course and won't be home until tomorrow and Beth has gone up to her boyfriends Uni, to stay with him for the weekend.
After doing the chores I asked Lit'lun what she would like to do.... play badminton and go for a swim was her instant reply, so we did.
Two hours later we got back home where I started again with the laundry (towels swimsuits and sports kit) Its strange but when all the family is away I wish they were at home and when they are all at home I take them for granted somewhat.... Why do I always want the opposite of what I have?
The one good thing, both my husband and I agree on is that when he is away I can read Terry Pratchett's disc world in bed! ..... When he is at home I annoy him, disrupt him, keep him awake because the books are so funny I literally laugh out loud, all the way through them!
Well that's it for tonight I am going to curl up in bed with my favorite Disc world book.

Blowing a hoolie

I actually don't know what a hoolie is! I will have to google it once I have finished writing.
Earlier on I went down to give the horses their hay and feed, the Blonde bird and I had decided that we would leave them out, as even though the weather was going to be 75mph winds they are able to get in the field shelter and under the trees.
Many years ago, I think it was 1985, we had a massive storm, I had been out to a night club with some friends and on the way home we were getting more and more angry at our "designated driver" because of his erratic driving. It was only when we found several roads impassable due to trees down that we truly believed him when he promised he had no control over the swerving the car was doing.
Once back home I began to get worried about my horses, (not the same ones we have now, these have long since gone to the pastures in the sky) at the time we had five, four of them were stabled in a dutch barn with the fifth in an outside stable adjoining it, she had breathing problems and had more airflow outside.
Well, my friend Dawn, who was staying with me over night, and I had both been drinking so after Kevin dropped us home my mum (who had waited up for us as it was such bad weather) got dressed and drove us down to the stables. This should have been a mile and a half drive, but with so many trees down we ended up doing a nine mile round trip! Dawn who wasn't in the slightest bit horsey hid behind my mum, who is a tiny bit horsey!! Whilst I let all the horses out into the seven acres, they must have thought I was mad putting them out on such an awful night.
The following morning when we got down to the stables "Stream", (the horse with breathing problems) had she been in her stable may very well have died! The whole thing was flat, and the roof was blown completely off.
I hate the sound of the wind when its bad like it was then and is tonight, it always makes me anxious, which is why, if you look at the time this was posted, I am still awake now!

Bokken

Yesterday evening I set off for Aikido, in the knowledge that I may not be able to lift a cup to my mouth today! Obelix, who takes the Monday class has us working hard, usually within the first 10 minutes I have worked up a sweat! (sorry a little graphic) .....Yesterday was no exception, we worked hard, the first half of the two hour session had us learning some throwing and pinning techniques, the second half was so much more fun!! Weapons work, I would like to point out that I am not a violent person whatsoever but I have a thing about the Bokken, a wooden replica sword, I love it. On my second ever session, there was a move I just couldn't get, it was making me frustrated, Caine, who was my partner for this practice went and got his bokken and demonstrated the same move only using "it", not a partner, he got me to do the same then once I had caught on told me to do the same this time to him! It made so much sense (anyone who is familiar with aikido will know why) from then on if I didn't get it, he showed me using the bokken. As an anniversary present my husband bought me my own (it was an early present) when I took it to the club, Caine said he would sand and oil it for me and weave some tape I had chosen around the handle. Yesterday was the first time I have actually used it in a lesson and I love it, even if I can't practice what I learnt at home! ( the ceiling gets in the way!)
Oh and this morning...... I lifted my cup easily, either Obelix was easy on us or I am getting used to the work!
The picture shows my Bokken and Jo.

Alone....

After my husband went to work this morning, I got up and decided to go to the remembrance day service at the church.
All the kids were out or away so I went alone, I sat alone in an old fashioned pew in a church I have never been to before. I didn't know anyone there, but everyone there obviously knew each other.
When it came to the act of remembrance, the laying of wreathes, the single trumpeter playing last post....... I wasn't alone....
I was standing with people have who lost family members, friends and colleagues during WWI, WWII, and all the conflicts and wars since.
I was definitely not alone....

WE WILL REMEMBER THEM